My birth story: read at your own peril

After reading posts here and here, I've decided to be brave, and possibly stupid, and write down what happened to me in the days leading up to the birth of my son, my birth story! Now this post isn't intended to shock or frighten, and it will not make good reading for pregnant ladies, thanks for your visit, but perhaps turn around now. If you choose to read, remember that my case is really very rare and it won't happen to you. And you'll get your baby in the end, whatever happens. I've found that as a mum, I'm ridiculously interested in people's birth stories, and I feel that sharing mine is like therapy. Plus, if I blog it, I can tell it start to finish without some other mum at a baby group interrupting with "oh, yes, that happened to me, but we did this next..." !

I was in slow, early labour for around two days before things really kicked off. I knew I was in labour (something I was worried about: how will I know?? I just knew) but I didn't tell anyone, I just got my tens machine out and asked HID if we could check how it worked "just in case". I'm glad I did this while I was still in low-level (period type) pain. On the 23rd December at 2am, I could no longer sleep through the pain of contractions (I was possibly being a bit dramatic at this point) and woke HID to help me fit the tens to my back. By 8am, contractions were 5 mins apart, I couldn't "talk" through the pain, and had been that way for an hour. All the signs that birth will happen fairly soon, and the books say to get to hospital. So I rang the maternity ward, and my mum and sister (who I'd planned to support me in labour) and took a few last minute pictures of the bump under the Christmas tree.

The 20 min journey was agony, every bump so uncomfortable. We arrived before mum & sister. The midwives greeted us while I had a contraction, they stated by the look of me, we'd have baby pretty soon! But could we just examine you. Although I didn't want any unnecessary internal exams, I was at a midwife led unit, and these exams were the only way of monitoring me. Nonetheless, I found it SHOCKING how painful I found the exam (this hasn't happened to other women I've asked) and the midwife was horrified and apologetic as I sobbed throughout the exam. The result wasn't even worth it! I was less then 1cm, and advised to go home. The midwives were baffled, as the pain I was in didn't compute with my "progress". But home I went. I knew I was in for a lot of pain at that point, and made the decision to myself that I didn't want my mum and sister to see me in so much pain, and so after then we didn't contact them until the baby was born.

I tried to sleep between contractions, they had slowed by this point. I didn't really get much rest. As the day wore on, I was finding the contractions were sparking off my SPD pain in a big way, and standing was very painful (but anything else was excruciating), and I had my tens cranked to max, and was clinging on to HID, who pushed my hips together ans swayed with me through each contraction, which seemed to help. Most of the pain was in my back. I've since heard that back labours can be more painful. At teatime, without even bothering to get dressed this time (I really didn't care) we headed back to the hospital. I though I'd done really well lasting so long alone at home with my tens! The second internal exam begged to differ, it was as painful as the first (more so, as by this time to lie on my back was very painful) and I was only 3cm. The midwives seemed a bit worried and started to fill the pool for me, and I started on gas & air.

The gas & air didn't really take away the pain, it made me a bit less aware of it though, and I found it most comforting to feel as if I was "actively" relieving my pain by sucking on the mask. I got into the pool and felt better, but still in a lot of pain. As the night continued, I used lots of gas & air (12 cannisters! Plus whatever I had from the supply that runs out of the walls later on). I felt extremely panicky each time a canister ran out and the midwife had to fetch a new one, thinking that I was just barely coping with the current pain, if the gas & air was allowed to wear off, I was beside myself worrying about how painful it would be. The midwife noticed (I had not) that I was indeed taking gas & air constantly, and asked me to just use it during a contraction. This is when I realised that my SPD pain had become so severe it had merged into my contractions, and from about midnight, I was experiencing one long contraction, with no break at all.

I do remember (I was not very with it on all that gas & air) asking HID, who gets bad headaches without proper sleep and regular drinks, how he was over and over in between puffs of the mask. The midwife found this amusing and told me to concentrate on what I was doing! After 4 hours, it was the unit's policy to get me out of the pool unless I was ready to push. I tried to buy time by asking what it would feel like (the words of a woman who is nowhere near ready to push), and it took them half an hour to coax me out of the pool. The pain increase was instant as I got out, the midwife picked up on this and gently offered more pain relief, even though I'd said I wanted a drug-free labour. I said no, and she said she would examine me to see how long I might have yet to go, as I may reconsider. It took her another 30 mins to convince me to lie on the bed (it was agony to lay on my back) and she confirmed I had a long way to go. I tearfully accepted the pethidine, and asked how long it would take to work. "About 15 minutes". Fifteen minutes later, I was howling at said midwife that it wasn't working.....and it never did. 40 minutes later, she sat me down and gently said: "here at our unit, we don't recommend epidurals. However, I recommend you get an epidural. The ambulance to the hospital is on the way." I could have wept with relief.

The journey was slow and very uncomfortable: a belt was fastened around my middle and I hated it. I remember thinking: "I'll probably not get to go in an ambulance again, and I'm not in danger right now, just labour, I should enjoy the ride!" What was I thinking of?? HID later told me that for some reason, they stopped at every traffic light on the way....at 3.30 in the morning. Why?

In hindsight, I think I started pushing in the ambulance. When I arrived at the hospital, the midwife examined me and told me it was too late for an epidural (the journey must have speeded things up) and did I feel like pushing. Well, you could not have paid me a million pounds to stop myself from pushing! Something completely primal and animalistic came over me, and I finally felt in control of my labour again, I could see the end, and I was running full pelt towards it. The midwife, strangely, after all they go on about in "parentcraft" classes, attempted to lay me on my back. In a state no longer fit for communication, I would have complied (and endured agony in my back), but HID stepped in and insisted I give birth on all fours, like I'd planned if I wasn't in the pool. He had listened! All that time I spent preparing him had really paid off, and saved the day. I sucked more gas & air from the mask and looked at HID with eyes that said "help me, I need you". Tears silently poured down his face. I was glad I hadn't put my mum through this.

Somewhere in the fug of too much gas & air, I heard the midwife say: "the harder you work, the quicker the baby will be born!" So I (stupidly) thought, right, sod waiting for contractions, I'll just push! So from then on, I pushed with all my might pausing only to breathe. I could feel, and HID told me, that the head was slipping back each time a contraction ended. This was devastating, undoing all my hard work. So I worked harder, and stopped noticing the pain so much. I can honestly say I almost enjoyed the pushing stage. At least I was "doing" something to end it all! At some point, my waters broke, and the midwives said there had been meconium, and the baby will need to be taken away, possibly to be resuscitated, straight away. I was thankful they had told me in advance, so I didn't panic. A clip was put on his head.

The baby was born after less than an hour's pushing, at 4.20am. The midwife tried to get me to sit back on my heels to see him, but all I could think about was the mess!! I'm not sitting in all that mess!! Baby was fine, and they laid me down, and he latched straight on to my breast to feed, perfect. He had lots of black hair, we'd expected red, like HID's! And I think we were a bit shocked he was a boy too, although we'd never said out loud we had thought it was a girl. But it was like, who are you?? The placenta was born, I felt a sensation of relief and there it was.

They seemed to think I had torn (I had no real sensation or brain functioning at this point), so my legs were put in stirrups and HID took the baby while I was examined. I remember telling him to take off his t-shirt, so the baby could have more skin to skin contact! The doctor started to examine me. I screamed! It was the worst pain I'd EVER felt, and I'd just delivered a baby. I was told to use gas & air. I breathed in and SCREAMED out and breathed in and SCREAMED out.....they decided they couldn't examine me without anesthetic, so I was prepared for theatre,and had an epidural. (Bit late for that!). HID was left with the baby, while I chatted easily with the staff, I'm not sure it had hit me that I'd just become a mother.

I was awake for the procedure, but I asked if they minded that I sleep, as I couldn't feel a thing, so I slept while they repaired my 3rd degree tear for four hours. (Third degree tear means, don't read if you don't wish to know, that I was left with just one hole, instead of a vagina and anus, just a big gaping hole). In the recovery room, the nurse let me use the phone to call my mum. She was also on her mobile talking to HID! She was ecstatic.

I was wheeled onto the ward. I don't remember being re-united with the baby and HID, but I must have been! I was the only one in the ward (which was for c-section patients), and I had to wear special electronic boots to keep my circulation going. Family came to see me (the midwives didn't bother too much that they were too early, of that there were loads of them, as it was Christmas eve). We had two names for a boy, one decided on a whim a few days before. My mum asked me his name. HID and I hadn't discussed it, but we looked at one another and said his name in unison, the one we'd liked all along. Mum cried, she loved it, everyone did.

My post - partum story in a post to follow....