Baby Led Eating

Missis is seven months old. She is just sitting. When she was five and a half months, she started to grab food out of my hand, HIDs hand, Boy's hand...you get the picture. And if you tried to take it back, oh, it was utter meltdown. So we started babyled weaning a bit earlier than I was comfortable with. We havn't yet come across a foodstuff that she hasn't grabbed and attempetd to devour with a gusto. The only problem seems to be her frustration at not being able to do it accurately/quick enough/soon enough. Perhaps it's her firey red hair coming out in her personality! It has made me realise that Boy and I had been totally stuck in a rut food wise. Cereal, cheese butty, pasta. Most days! Boring or what. Missis had become a bit constipated, I think due to the bread, so we've been shaking up the family meal rotas and doing some proper planning and shopping, and EATING! I've been going for things that are easier to hold for the sake of avoiding mealtime meltdowns when she just CAN'T DO IT! So tonight it was risotto fingers, recommended by a friend. Delicious, but what a faff and mess to make. Breakfast can be a toughie, fruit is good, but often to slippy to hold (and thus avoid meltdowns), cereals seem a bit little in the absence of a pincer grip just yet, and toast all the time is dull!

She's doing really well. She's so tiny that it shocks people when we are in public (two people in the last week have said she looks three months old, not seven), and it's prompted many people to ask me about baby led weaning, even via my photo albums of her eating on facebook! A few nights ago, we took her along with us to our favourite Italian restaurant. She was amazing. We leisurely ate our meal, and had an adult conversation, while she tucked into pasta and pizza. I loved this stage with Boy. And Missis, aside from her fireyness, is powering on with food. It took Boy ages to realise it wasn't just play and fun, she knew just a few weeks in! She shakes with excitment as her little hands shakily deliver the food to her wide, "O" mouth!

Missing my baby

I miss my son terribly. Every morning, stiff from sleep, I am unable to pick him up for the cuddle we both need to start our days. I am well enough to either pour out his cereal or sit up at the table to eat breakfast with him. I am currently expected to do both. So after breakfast, I spend time lying on the sofa recovering, unable to interact with him in a normal way. I am too distracted by pain. He watches more TV than we ever would in our own home. It is something I am able to do with him, but I'd rather he play, even if it is not with me. When he has his morning sleep, I am not resting, but using the time to dress and wash with agonizing slowness. Then I take more painkillers and try to rest before he wakes, having been soothed to sleep not by me but by his grandmother. He has stopped coming to me. Mummy can't play, get food or give cuddles, so what use is she? All his affection is reserved for Nana, who is doing everything I passionately wish I could. I sobbed today when he voluntarily came to give me a goodbye kiss and wave when heading out of the door on yet another outing I cannot accompany him on.

He is eating lots of food we wouldn't normally have at home, such as tinned meals, biscuits and bread often more than twice a day. The only vegetables he eats are the ones in the individual portions of homecooked food I made from scratch months ago, to have healthy ready meals for him for after the new baby arrives. My supply continues to dwindle, and I can't even be sure that I am well enough each day to stand and defrost the meal and then heat it. And it seems others are unwilling when there are tins of ravioli to be served. He is allowed snacks very close to meal times, when I would normally just try to get the meal ready a little earlier. Instead, he has to wait, and fill up on snacks while such-and-such a job just needs to be finished. His meals are often eaten alone, something I try to avoid. After all, how will he learn to use cutlery if he has no frame of reference? He is often spoon-fed, often in front of the TV. He often eats too much as the TV distracts him enough to miss his full-up signal. He is then praised for finishing a meal. I don't mind if he doesn't eat much of his meals, as he is learning how much he needs, and only he can be the judge of his own hunger. But while we are here, he is learning that people find clean plates a cause for celebration, something which I feel founds my own over-eating. I wish I could avoid this. He is scolded for experimenting with the feel and texture of foods with his hand. He is only learning, and wants to see. Yet....

He is being allowed to get away with much more than at home, such as throwing toys. I cannot leap up to stop him, and he has a much larger audience here. Daddy had a plastic cup launched into his face this evening, hitting the bridge of his nose, after his glasses did. And any reprimands that do not come from me are shouted, loudly, something I try to avoid, along with overuse of the word “no”. Boredom whining and frustration tantrums are not met with a “how can we solve this” attitude that I really do try so hard to present at home, but with “oh, stop your moaning”, not something a 20 month old can easily understand. He is bored, he is used to one planned activity outside the home a day, he is a difficult to entertain toddler. But he is now expected to be happy in the house all day. He isn't.

The worst part of the day by far is night time. Daddy usually arrives to put him to bed. Downstairs, I listen to the delighted squealing in the bath, and try not to think about how he cuddles close for his bedtime milk, folding into your body for his last bit of contact before bed. I have not personally witnessed how he rolls away onto his tummy with his blanket and dummy and sleepily dismisses you from the room for over a month now. Later, I go to bed, and HID goes home and leaves me, to fit the new bathroom before the new baby arrives. In the night, as is usual, I hear crying that wakes a mother instantly. I cannot get upstairs to him, even if he was downstairs with me, I am unable to lift him into my arms for comfort, and sway and nurse him like I used to. I wait, listening to his cries escalate in intensity before my mother wakes and tends to him. I lay in bed, considering each night dragging my body up those stairs just to see that he is all right. I would pick him up, I think. I would give him milk. But a tack of a different generation is used. Without the parents and comfort he is used to, in a strange bed in Nana's house, he wakes even more frequently than at home. HID takes on the night shift at weekends and a few nights a week. Who knows, this change could unsettle him even more. This is the part I hate the most. Trapped in my bed, listening to my son scream out in the night for attention and affection, something a child should never be denied, even at 3am. Yes, sometimes my patience wears thin with a child that doesn't sleep through the night. But he is my son, and I'm always prepared to go to him. The sleepless nights make anyone but a mother (and sometimes her too) have a short fuse, even with a delightful and much-loved small boy who just wants to play.

My mother is almost 50, she didn't plan at this age to be getting up three or more times a night to tend to a crying baby. She didn't make the decision to be running around after an energetic toddler all day, coming up with new and exciting things to do each time boredom strikes. She did not expect that I would be so ill in my second pregnancy, no one did, or I would have put it off for much longer. No one has asked her to do all our washing, cook all our meals, change all the nappies and an endless list of other wonderfully caring things she does, completely unasked, and, it must seem, thanklessly. I am so very lucky and grateful to have her. I just wish I was doing it my way. It isn't just the parental-style issue. I miss it. I want it so badly that each time they leave the house, and I am alone, I cry bitterly with the agony of spending all day with a child, but not really being present for him. Daddy must miss him too, he isn't seeing him nearly as much as if we were living at home. But I have totally crumpled. And with each day, the pain increases, and I am doing less and less with him, for him. As a mother, it's killing me.

One thing that struck me today: he learned to walk just as I was losing the ability. So although he has been walking for some months now, and is able to walk distances in the park and so on, I have never seen this. I have never walked with him outside. I haven't had the excitement of seeing a dog in the distance with him, or having a bus drive past us.

I cannot explain how desperate I am to get better. I don't want to be a burden on my mum and husband, and all the friends that are helping us. I don't want to be in pain. I want my son's routine, discipline, eating and sleeping habits to return to normal. But so much above all of that,I want to go back to being the mother I was, and I want to stop missing out on my son's toddlerhood. I want to teach the new words and play the new games. I want to show him the world. Me. Not anyone else. I am missing that so much. I am missing being a mummy so much. I am missing him so much that I ache.

The Best and Worst of baby products: a post for expectant and new mums!

Warning: Shockingly long post, sorry. There is a list of recommended reading at the end if you like books but can't bear to read all this blurb! Skip to that if you like. We bought a lot of stuff we didn't bother with for our first baby. Similarly, there were lots of items we came to a bit “late” and wished we had known about/ bought them earlier! Here is a list of my personal best and worst baby buys, for each good thing, there is usually a similar or opposite crap thing to be avoided! I've told you why below! But don't let me pursued you, every baby, and parent, is different. Have a read, see what you think, but my best advice is not to buy loads of baby gear before baby arrives. As long as you are reasonably healthy after the birth (unlike me!) you will be able to leave the house and shop gently for things you discover you need, as and when you realise you need them. This will save endless trips to the charity shop later to off-load all your junk.


Best buy:
A sling: last time we didn't discover slings til Boy was 4 m old, but this time, I'll be packing a sling in my hospital bag! Newborns need lots of reassurance in this strange new world, my Boy needed to be held almost constantly. Slings give you the hands-free opportunity to keep your baby close to the familiar beat of your heart and sounds of your digestive system, and warmth and smell of you, all the things he craves. And you can make a sandwich at the same time! I struggled to bond last time, and to breastfeed, and slings are great for both these, and PND, you can go skin to skin under the sling, which helps with all three. Have a look at :
http://www.lifftslings.com/site/content_home.php, which make the stylish sling pictured above, and give info on the scientific benefits better than I can! Or for a bigger range and help choosing, try: http://www.slingmeet.co.uk/ we were very lucky to have a local slings group, with highly informed members just waiting to help (and become my friends :-)) and a massive library of slings (& related products) to borrow for free for a week to try before you buy.

Worst buy: PRAM! Every bugger will tell you that you need one, this is not necessarily the case. Ours (and at least two friends I know agree re: their own pram) was a complete waste of money, and is only used by Nana, thus lives at her house. If you have to relent to the pressure, put off buying one as long as possible, and then get a £20 buggy when baby can sit up, and Nana can use that, instead of spending £500 on an all-singing & dancing high tech model that will rot under your stairs, as ours did. Slings are the way to go, even when they get heavier, if you've always carried, your body adjusts naturally and you don't notice the weight gain, then before you know it, they are asking to walk anyway!

Best buy:
Ice pops: this is a weird one, and a bit horrible to think about. I had 3rd degree (i.e. very extensive) tearing during the birth, and spent 4 hrs being repaired in surgery. I was SORE. HID suggested popping an ice pop wrapped in a flannel in my knickers: the relief was immense. I also bought a cheap kids rubber ring to sit on for a while (6 months!!) too.

Best Buy:
Lansinoh cream: for breastfeeding. Do be warned though, it stained all my bras and pj tops, so remember to put a breast pad in too. It can be quite stiff to apply, and that's the last thing you want on your ultra-sensitive nipples, so warm it between your fingers before applying, or keep on to of a radiator. It's expensive stuff, but the only thing that got me through the painful early days of breastfeeding.

Worst buy:
Disposable breast pads. I did not ever “squirt” or “leak”, see above for the only thing I used breast pads for!! I have some washable ones, so will not be buying disposable this time.

Best buy:
Moonlight lamp: a plug in night light that gives a green glow: not bright enough to wake you or baby properly in the middle of the night, but more than enough light to feed by. Eco-friendly too.

Best buy:
Dishwasher baskets:if you bottle feed, or use dummies, or wish to sterilise any small toys/weaning equipment, these are fab! I didn't find out til later, but to put bottles in the dishwasher is to wash and sterilise them at the same time, due to the hot water! No more scrubbing then fiddling with the steriliser for me then! (And with ours having a setting that is more eco-friendly than filling a sink with hot water, it really was the way to go.) Dishwasher baskets are great for all those tiny items that would otherwise not really have a place in the dishwasher, and easily get lost. We had three! Ours were from Woolworths :-( but jojomamanbebe sells them too.

Best buy:
Sleepsuit bags/baby nightgowns: poppers on baby grows will become the bane of your life. Forget the whole thing and ask well-meaning relatives to buy you these instead of babygrows. They are open, but elasticated at the bottom, for midnight nappy changes, simply pull up the whole item. Akin to wearing a summer dress as apposed to going to the loo and struggling with the fly on your skinny jeans.....try ebay or jojomamanbebe.co.uk, known on mothercare site as baby bundlers.

Best Buy:
Baby sleeping bags: as soon as Boy was big enough, these replaced blankets for us. No more confusion as to how many times it's ok to fold a blanket, how thick should it be etc, as sleeping bags have clear instructions for the season. Plus, no kicking of covers & getting cold, thus waking up! Our Boy is an “active” sleeper, we often find him at the opposite end of the cot, wrong way round, or simply splayed horizontally, but his sleeping bags keep him well covered and happy. Bedtime is not bedtime without one. You don't even have to spend a fortune! Get to TKMaxx.

Worst buy:
Millions of blankets, currently in a bag at the bottom of the stairs waiting to go to the charity shop. You need one, maximum, if you use sleeping bags.

Best buy:
Shoo-Shoos (May find cheaper on ebay, but as an idea of what they are.)
Baby shoes do not stay on. Ever! You will lose one of a very cute pair, and be gutted. Until you see the light and choose shoo-shoos. Then you will never allow baby to wear another!! These soft shoes are also great for letting baby's feet develop naturally, and stepping in these is akin to walking barefoot, and professionals recommend 1st steps should be done barefoot.

Worst buy:
Any other type of shoe in the days before baby can walk!

Best buy:
Ikea Antilop high chair: this is literally an essential for every baby household come the time to try grown-up food, especially if you plan to BLW. (which can cause extra mess, and this product is literally the easiest thing to clean on the market!!!) You must buy it, as it is only £9.78. You can buy the tray separately too but we never bothered as it fit straight under our dining table, so it feels a bit more social. Also ideal for multiples and baby & toddler households, as they are stackable when not in use!! Think I'll get the red one this time....

Other ikea children's foody things I like include the barnsling rand bibs and kalas crockery. Don't forget a splash mat......mum's best friend!

Worst buy: a present of an expensive mama's & papa's highchair. Loads of handy crevices for food to get stuck in and go rotten, with an impossible to remover cover, too massive, too high for our table, and a removable tray that was figured out very quickly by our then 6 m old and became not an easy way to remove the mess to the kitchen, but a very efficient way of throwing your entire dinner on the floor/at the wall all at once. Rubbish. And his tummy is too big, at just 18 m, to fit in it anymore.

Best buy:
Babylegs: These are mega-cute leg warmers, for boys as well as girls (you should see how fetching our black and red striped, denis the menace pair look on!!) and are amazingly practical. We use them round the house when Boy is just in a vest, great for protecting crawling knees, or making newborn nappy changes much easier (potty training too I'm told). Also great if you have a sling for keeping exposed legs warm under trousers! Or camping when you just need that extra layer at night.

Best buy:
Sock ons: Similar to shoes, baby socks don't stay on! A great little invention for when you little one isn't wearing shoes. Be warned, don't lose these tiny items in the wash....

Best buy:
Mothercare smart nappy system: If you are even considering using real nappies (and it's a lot easier than you think, once it's in your routine, you hardly notice it!) you must use the mothercare range, it is simply the very best out there. They don't leak, they don't start looking old and grubby after only a few washes like other nappies, they are VERY easy to use and put on, they look cute, they don't leave angry “the velcro has rubbed” marks on your baby, grandmas and nursery staff were eager to use them, they dry quick, they are fairly cheap (being an own brand), there is a mothercare local to everyone so you can stock up with ease and not have to wait ages for internet delivery, and there is even an option to go half & half: with disposable inners available, great for those 1st few newborn weeks or for holidays.

Worst buy:
Motherease one size re-usable nappies. Way too many poppers for a wriggly baby, nowhere near absorbent enough and always leaked poo, and very fiddly covers that never fit properly, at 18 m, ours still look massive. Expensive rubbish basically.

Best buy:
Baby flannels (morrisons): we use these as washable baby wipes, which isn't as bad as it sounds. Many people try to use cotton wool and water for the first few weeks, as did we, but it's such a bloody faf! If you're going to have little bowls of cooled boiled water around the house anyway, you many as well use these flannels as babywipes. They do the job much better than cotton wool, and indeed even the top brands of disposable babywipes, which tend to spread poo around the bottom instead of wiping it off, meaning you use 5 or more wipes. Clever marketing! But I can clean a pooey bum with a maximum of 2 flannels, and they are smaller too. We simply chuck ours in with our re-usable nappies, but if you don't fancy going the whole hog, wipes is a good compromise, (every little helps the environment) as cotton wool is, arguably, rubbish, as are shop bought baby wipes, plus they are full of chemicals and you will chuck away literally millions. For going out, you can often buy plastic baby wipe cases in a travel size, simply dampen a few and pop in before you go (also great for eating out with a weaned baby, again, ten times better than shop bought baby wipes), or we just pop a few in the “messy bag” that comes with most changing bags, I find these too small for all the items we manage to get messy when out (they only really fit a bib in and I'm talking entire outfit changes....) so I tend to carry a plastic carrier bag for this purpose instead. Buy a small lidded bucket to keep them in pre-wash. To wash: put on a rinse and spin with a little lemon juice and nappy-san (available at most supermarkets), and then add the rest of your ordinary washing. Feel free to wash as low as 30, I do, they still come clean.

Worst buy:
This is obviously cotton wool! We have loads that we still didn't use after 18m! It's main use is for cleaning little eyes that have conjunctivitis...will last forever at this rate!

Best Buy:
Metal tipped forks and , to a lesser extent, spoons, especially if you're planning to baby-led wean. Thing is, as soon as they are ready to feed themselves, they want to be just like mummy and daddy, who don't use plastic forks....plus they don't work very well. Forks are great, as it's much easier to stab food that chase it around a plate with a spoon.

Worst buy:
Loads of weaning spoons! Almost never use them, he eats yoghurt with his fingers! Weaning spoons are often the wrong shape for self-feeing too, too flat, food falls off.

Best buy:
Avent hand breast pump: once you're familiar with it, it was the fastest and most comfortable way to express milk. I was fascinated with watching it come out out, I mean, not only could I make actual milk (!!!) but what no-one tells you is you don't just have one hole in each nipple, it's several! And goes off in all sorts of directions! Anyway, I digress...

Worst buy:
Medula Electric breast pump: noisy, painful, and nowhere near as effective as actually getting milk out of the boob as a hand held. Plus, you can't use it in the bath!

Books I wish I had read in my 1st pregnancy:

The attachment parenting book, Dr Sears and Dr Sears

I recently read this in my pregnancy after being told by friends that the style of parenting we use is “attachment parenting”. I just thought we were going on instinct! Well, that's pretty much it, but I loved reading it, and it gave me even more ideas for baby number 2. Plus it's nice to know, when your mother in law is looking at you like you're crazy, that you're not the only one out there doing it like this....

Baby-Led Weaning, Gill Rapely & Tracey Murkett

Luckily, I did get chance to read this before we started weaning, I just wish I'd read it before I bought loads of useless weaning spoons and ice-cube trays for purees we never made! It's all about waiting til your child is truly ready to try grown-up food, and then letting them actually try it, not giving them mush before they can even sit up! It was amazing for us.

Three in a Bed, Deborah Jackson

I recently read this after deciding to co-sleep with our new baby this time. I feel we were naïve last time, and too frightened in the early days to go against the norm, and thus forced our son to sleep in a cot alone. Is it any wonder it took him til he was 16m old to sleep through the night?? He was a terrible sleeper, and we now realise this is because he needed comfort and cuddles from us through the night in those early months. The book helped me see the benefits, and plan for sleeping SAFELY with baby number 2. It also gave me some good stock answers to ward off people who may not agree with co-sleeping. (i.e. most of the western world....sigh). It's fascinating to look at other cultures who co-sleep. I learned from this book that cot-death (SIDs) is unheard of when families co-sleep! As are nightmares and tantrums!! Sounds blissful.

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading about some of my favourite baby things, and I do hope it's helped any expectant mums out there to feel a bit more confident in the minefield of baby products everyone tells them they “must have”. At the end of the day, it's your baby, and you know what works best for you, even if no-one else is doing it, your baby will love you for it. Get what you need, not what the magazines say you can't live without!